It started as a high school crush. I knew i would never admit to my bestfriend I was in love with him. That would be weird. We had been friends more than half of our life. We talked about everything. We literally kept nothing from eachother.
Over the years he introduced me to a countless of women. They would date. We would talk about it. I held my ground. Then one day "Tiffany" came into the picture. I don't know what it was about her but she was different. Everything about her was different. It was almost like looking at a reflection of myself. It was crazy. Like if anyone was just meeting us they would have thought we were sisters.
Seeing Samaj with her was different. I could tell he was falling for her. She complimented him. Everything about them was perfect. Of course when we talked about everything I was always honest, putting feelings aside. But inside I'm human. I was losing the one man that knew me better than I knew myself. But hearing him talk about her. I knew. I was losing him. At that moment I had to admit to myself, I was in love with my bestfriend.
Months had passed and what I had hoped to be a fling was really getting serious. I will never forget that Friday afternoon in May. Samaj called me and asked was I busy. He said he needed to talk . This was serious.. I quickly responded I'm at the office, come by. My mind immediately went all over the place. My heart was racing. What could be wrong? Is he ok? Are they ok? I was always a bestfriend first. His well being was most important.
About 30 minutes later, in walked Samaj. Omg my bestie was so.sexy. I swear that man.. He sat down a bit nervous. I quickly asked "what's up"? He started off the convo with so how do you really feel about me and Tiffany? A lump formed in my throat. I had to be honest. She made him better. She opened his eyes to things he talked about but didn't take the action to do. Everything about them made him better. So.thats what I told him. He blurted out I'm going to ask her to move in..wow. ok. But i knew it was coming. Congratulations. You both are lucky.. I hug him so that he doesn't see me tear up.
There pre wedding bliss as I called it lasted another year. I sat and listened to all there plans. Excited for them. He deserved to be happy. Then one day, I decided to leave the office. I needed air. I had just recieved some of the most exciting news of my career. I couldn't think of anyone to call but him. Usually I would but they were celebrating there anniversary..Who was I to intrude? But as I entered Tillys Coffee Shop in the corner all snuggled up was Tiffany. I was confused. Why weren't you with Samaj? Who is this bum? I acted as if I didnt see her. Went to order my Tea when out of no where she comes up behind me. "Ciara it's not what you think.i can explain. " I turn to her calmly, first I speak. With a confused look on my face "explain what is there to explain. You owe me nothing." I wanted to smack her. How dare you. I wanted to call him. But was that my place. Would it seem like jealousy? What if she turns this on me and I lose him?
Twenty four hours had passed. He hadn't called. Did she tell him. I didnt want to call. I just hoped he was ok. I had to get my mind off of things. I went to the kitchen to start breakfast. My mind was racing. The doorbell rung. I heard the lock turn. Samaj.. omg where have you been? Are you ok? He sat down. I could tell he was hurt. I knew him. What is it. He finally go into explaining what happened the night before with him and Tiffany. He explains that her ex boyfriend came into town and she needed closure. They had been hanging out for two weeks. They had slept together. They had rekindled the flame she thought she let go. She was in love with him. As he explained everything she had previously told him, anger, confusion, frustration came over me. They were so happy. I didnt know what to say. What was my reaction suppose to be. He was hurting. All I wanted to do was hold him. As we continued to go over the last 24 hours I noticed my phone was lighting up. Thirteen missed calls. All from her. Even text messages. She was worried. The one message that stood out was " I'm sorry. In the beginning everything I did he compared to you. I have secretly been in competition with you since day one. Yes he loves me but he loves you too. When my ex came into town I knew I needed to find closure. And figure things out between Samaj and I. I need him to forgive me. If hes with you, please just let me know he's ok. Thank you"
Reading her message I could feel her pain. She knew she messed up. But as his bestfriend I couldn't see him suffer. After battling myself I gave him my phone. Read this. Call her. Yall need to talk. He looks at me. I hold all my emotions back. I tell him go to her. I remember hugging him and kissing him on the cheek. He left. I watched my heart run to the arms of another woman.
A week had passed. We had text back and forth but he wasn't telling me anything. Did he forgive her. Why are we talking about everything but that. What happened. Finally one Tuesday afternoon after not seeing him and barely speaking he showed up at my office. He looked extremely tired, exhausted. Not like himself. As we talked he explained she moved out. She needed time. He was heartbroken. I had never seen him this way. He loved her. I had to accept that. I immediately started thinking how can I fix this. Maybe I should call her. Ugh I was so torn. I loved this man. But I couldn't see him hurting. I put my feelings aside and called her. We talked. I told her what I thought needed to happen even helped her pull it all together. I couldn't be selfish. His happiness was everything to me.
When the day came for them to meet, I wanted to make sure everything was perfect. I set everything up. Order his favorite food. Had soft music playing. This night was everything I envisioned for us. But it wasnt us. Tiffany showed up early as I had suggested. We talked. She couldn't thank me enough. Now to get Samaj here. As I'm calling him, my heart sinks. Am I really pushing the man i Iove into the arms of another. When he answers a calm comes over me. He said he was on the way. No more than 10 minutes away. I let her know everything is set. He's on the way. The rest is up to you. I quickly gather my things. I look back at what I put together. It was beautiful. It was perfect. We said our goodbyes, I told her good luck and I went to my car. As I'm sitting in my car, I see Samaj pull in. I lay my seat back so he doesn't see me. Once I could no longer see him. I sat up. Wiped my face and left. I hope everything works out.
A few days later i received a text. "Save the Date". What? Really? They're getting married? I sat and stared at my phone for hours. In shock. Sick to my stomach. Hurt. I'm losing him. I lost him. I didnt know how to handle this. When Samaj broke my concentration. "Ciara are you ok." How can I be ok. No I'm far from ok. But as the woman I was I simply replied yes. What's up? He went on to discuss the engagement, the wedding, even plans for the honeymoon. I was sick from it all. He even asked me to be his best woman in his wedding. Me of all people. Did he not know how I felt. Could he not tell. I was torn but again I said yes.
As the months progressed, so did there wedding plans. Everything was so real. Happening so fast. Colors chosen, venue picked, pastor ready, cake designed. I was watching my life being played out by another woman. I found myself envious. She had taken him from me. I hated this feeling. I wanted it to go away. They were getting married.
So the day finally comes. It's time. I'm miserable but for him I'm happy. He's happy. Everything is perfect. As I'm adjusting Samaj tie, telling him how proud of him I was, how he was going to be the perfect husband he stops me.. he looks me in my eyes and says thank you. You have always been my rock. My left and my right hand. You know me better than I know me. You have always been more than my bestfriend. Every woman I dated had to emulate you. I have always loved you. Hell I'm in love with you but I never thought to cross that line. We have been bestfriends forever. I couldn't lose that. As I listened to him it was as if we were saying vows to eachother. Both making promises that I knew wouldn't be broken. His dad came in and broke up our moment. Time to take your places. I looked at him. Proudly and whisper you got this. As I watched my bestfriend marry another woman in my mind he said everything I had waited on him to say. He loved me. Why didnt I stop him. They asked if anyone sees why they shouldn't be joined speak now or forever hold your peace. My mouth went dry. He looked at me as if wanting me to stop it but i couldn't. He was happy right. As reality set in I heard the officiant say "you may now kiss your bride". He did it. They did it. He married her. I have to keep cool. That should be me. I wanted to run and hide. But what do I do. Congratulate, give my toast and try to enjoy the festivities.
Years passed. Samaj and I remained close. Nothing changed much. He hated every guy I brung around. He always had his reasons. Which usually worked because they weren't around much after that. He still had my heart. It wasn't fair. He was happy why couldn't I be. He and Tiffany were ready to start a family. And here i am an outsider looking in. She had everything. She was even about to give him the one thing he wanted more than anything. A child. They finally got pregnant. When we talked about everything you could tell he was ready. He was going to be the perfect father. She didn't Have to lift a finger. He catered to her every move.
About 6 months into her pregnancy Tiffany had a miscarriage. It caused her to have to have a hysterectomy. There dreams of family was crushed. You can't console someone with this if you haven't been through it. All I could do was be there for them both. Weeks went by and they were still dealing with everything. Samaj called needing to come by. He never calls. He had a key. Something was different. I waited patiently when suddenly the door bell rung. Seriously I thought. I went to open the door, Samaj was standing there. Several suitcases. I look at him, he grabs me. Holds me tight. He breaks down. He's a mess. He's broken. All I could do is grab him. Hold him. I try to grab his bags when suddenly we kiss. Not our usual kiss but like a passionate. I've been waiting all my life, kiss. He picked me up and laid me gently on the floor. He kissed every part of me. I wanted to stop him. But couldn't. As we became one, my mind went into overload. I'm experiencing ecstacy and confusion.. omg why. He can't be here. We have never crossed this line. I stutter I love you. He mutters it back and goes deeper. I grab him, wondering if this is a dream, this is real. I hear him in my ear whisper it should have always been you. It was always you. I know that now. It was something about hearing that. That made me forget about everything else.
We fell asleep. I woke up the next morning making all sorts of excuses, prepared for this to be a mistake. He was hurt. He was upset. Something but no the opposite. We sat down. We talked. He had no regrets. He knew what he said and He meant every word. But I felt bad. I wasn't a rebound. He came here in a moment of weakness. I finally asked where does this leave us. He grabbed my hand, looked into my eyes and said "I have fought loving you my whole life. Every woman I have ever been with had some of your characteristics. Even with my wife, I wanted her to be so much like you. She knew it. Losing our baby put everything into perspective. I know these aren't the best circumstances but if you will have me. I'm yours. I have always been yours." I didnt know what to say. Apart of me was screaming yes finally.. the other part was like it was to soon. Either way.. he was worth "The Wait"
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